One of the things you recognize as you’re growing up are your short comings.  And man am I recognizing mine now.  And there are A LOT!  But I guess I can say this is a good thing right?  That I’m able to identify the areas that need improving and do my best to work them out.

That sounds completely ideal except…it’s easier said then done…

What do you do when this self realization causes self hatred?  What do you do when you feel like you’re so screwed up to the point that you can never be fixed?  I tell you what you do…you try again.

I’m a depressed individual so it’s not always easy for me to wake up in the morning and get myself ready for the day when all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep it away.  But I do it. And because I do it I need to be proud of myself.  It’s a lot of effort some days.  But because I get up and do the things that I know I’m supposed to do instead of letting the sadness take over me I need to be extremely proud of myself.  It’s easy to give in.  It’s harder to fight.  So instead of focusing on the shortcomings its best to focus on what’s happening now.  It’s better to be more mindful and in the moment.  Life is meant to be lived and unfortunately it’s not easy but it is worth it.  It’s been a disaster but it’s also been beautiful.

To grow through the pain I have to try and try again.  I will stumble.  I will fall.  I will crash.  But I will get up.  I always get up.  I have such an amazing ability to be able to get up that I don’t even realize it.  It’s only when I look back on the hurtful past that I realize..despite it all I’m still here.  Despite the world feeling like it was going to end and me wanting it to…I’m still here.

While the past can’t be changed…I can tend to the wounds.  I see the ugly individual it has made me and because of this self awareness I can change it.  I can take the steps I need to be a better person.  I don’t have to succumb to the darkness that’s been plaguing me.  I can let the light in.  I can be OK.  I will be OK.  And it’s all my own decision.

 

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