So by definition this was anything but me. I was never in a relationship with anybody who was sick or who I considered to have an addiction. Sure I had an ex who drank excessively on certain occasions but don’t we all over indulge from time to time? Wait…what’s that you say Ms. Beattie, author of the book “Codependent No More”…making excuses for a loved ones bad and self destructive behaviors is a sign of codependency? But that can’t be true. I’m not defending him. He doesn’t drink every day…and so what if he got wasted at a family get together of mine and caused a huge scene. He doesn’t drink every day….
Oh Jen. Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen. Honey you are delusional. But it’s not your fault. You’ve never known any other way. You see, you didn’t become a codependent just because of him. No girl you’ve been like this ever since you were a little girl. You see when you didn’t get that validation and support you needed from your parents, you started looking to others for your self worth. You never learned to love yourself. You wanna know why you cling so desperately to situations and people who are only here to do you harm? Because you feel like you NEED them. You wanna know why a break up literally feels like the whole entire world has crashed down on you and like you’ll never survive? Because you feel like you need people around in order to find happiness. If you’re not making others happy then how can you possibly be happy? How can you feel worthy of anything if someone who said that they love you left you? So no, you’re not crazy. You just have issues with codependency.
I couldn’t believe that a book about a word that I had never really even heard much about before, could speak to the very depths of my soul. And as dramatic as that may sound, it’s the God’s honest truth. It wasn’t just depression that I was fighting against. It was more than that. I was so thankful to finally put a name to a problem that had been plaguing me for so long but had no idea that it was. I’m really NOT crazy. I’m just codependent. Yes being a codependent sucks in itself, but the fact that there’s a “face to the name” means I can take steps to work through it.
So if you find that you need to constantly “fix” or rescue people to make yourself feel good about yourself you might be a codependent. If you find yourself pouring your all into someone and leaving nothing for yourself you might be a codependent. If you find that you NEED to be in a relationship or seek your worth through the validation of others…you might be a codependent. If you feel like you’re unlovable so you cling to people who you know aren’t good for you just for the sake of having somebody there…you might be a codependent. I’m in no way, shape or form an expert when it comes to this. All I know is that the book Codependent No More changed my life and is helping me cope with these issues.
I’m not even close to being ‘ok’ in this regards. Since my codependency issues are deeply rooted it’s going to take a very long time for me to work through them. But I’m hopeful that I can and I’m willing to at least give it a try.
There will definitely be more on this subject since it plays such a huge part in my life but that’s all for now.