When I was a kid I was great! I was super quiet and shy but I had a lot of friends and I was as sweet as pie.  I wasn’t a very emotional kid and I wasn’t bothered by a lot. I was always the one who was “mature for her age.”

Fast forward to now, I’m a spoiled brat and the minute you tell me ‘no’ hell hath no fury!  If you hurt my feelings you might as well run because any ounce of pride you have I’m going to make sure I take it away.  Why?  Because you hurt me so you need to hurt too.

How exactly does a sweet little innocent girl grow up to be such a monster??  Maybe because when she did speak up about the things that bothered her nobody wanted to listen or they shot her down for feeling that way.  And she began to feel like her feelings didn’t matter, which lead to her believing that she didn’t matter.  And maybe because she was rarely ever told she was good at anything she developed the belief that she was good for nothing.  That she had no self worth.  And maybe because she was the youngest who had to live in the shadow of an amazing older sister who excelled at just about everything. And she watched her parents nurture her and help her grow and succeed so she just ended up feeling invisible.

So the sweet little innocent girl grew up broken, believing she wasn’t worth anything.  And now she’s fighting against the shattered inner child that’s lying inside. The inner child that’s starving for the love, attention, and affection she desperately needed but never got.  And she’s dangerous, full of emotion, almost uncontrollable.  Hurt is an all consuming fire raging inside, flames being fanned when others don’t give her what she wants.

This is where we are.  This is where I stand.  I’m fighting desperately to overcome the pain.  This is just a small glimpse into why I am the way that I am.  I make no excuses.  I do not claim that any negative behavior I have displaced towards anyone in a fit of rage has been right.  I can only shed some light onto why I’m not who I used to be anymore.  I am weak.  But I am finding my strength.  I am thankful that I haven’t caused unforgivable hurt to anyone.  But I do know that some of my actions have hurt others. And all I can do now is love myself, despite anything else, and work towards becoming a better me.

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